Dreaming my way out of a mess

Been thinking about putting my philosophy of life, stuff and things on this blog. Wasn't sure how other people would take it, but well what does it matter so long as I enjoy it.

Which brings me to my first belief about life and stuff. Those who know me will be familiar with my healthy start to the day, I believe in a proper healthy breakfast. I always have the same, glass of water, half a pink grapefruit (the acid is just right to open my eyes), real strong coffee (to keep them open); healthy low sugar, salt and fat muesli, fresh berries, banana, skimmed milk topped with a large spoonful of selfishness. This for me is healthy living, sets me up for the day and whatever is hurled at me. As a top up I have several mugs of Earl Grey, sometimes with 2 spoons of organic selfishness (I do think that organic is best, don't you?).

You see I spent most of my life worrying about doing things just for me, didn't feel comfortable, and those around me were fond of telling me that I was the S word. So there I was saying yes to everybody I came across, then spending the rest of the time full of resentment. I practiced this at school, with my mother, partners, work, friends and children. I guess that I was just a yes man, then a resentful man followed usually an angry man; this for years was my recipe for success!!! When you don't know any better, and those who could tell you about it were either long gone or too scared to tell you; then ignorance can be a blissful state to be in. It takes a while before you notice that the faces keep changing with a monotonous regularity, and despite the obvious success of your plan you keep ending up feeling lonely. Some one told me recently they thought stubbornness was a virtue, well for me it wasn't.

Then one day I decided to do one thing just for me, can't remember what it was, probable immaterial now, but I took a risk, then another, and another, and another. Eventually everyone including me, thought I was a selfish B., but you know; it felt good. Everything I did, I did selfishly for me; bought myself a new camera, all for me; went for a walk, all for me; coordinated the Changes Meeting, all for me; went to the cinema with the wife, all for me.

Everything has to have a payoff, you have to look for it, but for me it is always there. Ultimately it's about making me feel good. It doesn't have to be conscious, in fact mostly I don't know I'm doing it, however there will be something in it for me.

It's OK to feel good about doing something nice, it's even OK to feel pride; and when you have to do things that you don't want to do, it isn't perverse to feel good about having done it. For me it's about finding the positive wherever I can, turning the negative into a valuable resource.

Oh, the "dreaming my way out of a mess", that's something else for another time.